By Sadashivan
When newcomer “wife” comes to stay in the new house with husbandwho is already with other male members, becomes favorableatmosphere for her. Tendency of males to attract femalesfacilitates her to take advantage to establish own atmospherethat matches her identity. This facilitates her to run the homeas she wants. On the other hand, if there is already an adultfemale member (mainly mother-in-law) who controlled the house,turn out to be problems for her and her. Her survival is bysurrendering to adjust into the existing environment or fight togain control to establish own environment. It is a war betweenmother-in-law and daughter-in-law, most popular of any war. Itis egoistic war to establish own superiority.
A home adorned by woman is her entity. Her own values areinvolved in making a home that reflects her qualities. Eachhouse interior is different from other is because her deepinvolvement to decorate that suits her taste. We can observe ina house purchased or hired, woman takes special interest andinvolve her feeling to decorate and arrange interiors that makesher comfortable. Woman modifies her house to suit her taste isthe environment she makes that suits her.
The mother who is already in control of her house would noteasily leave, is the same case as of politicians who hates toleave legislation membership or seat whatever we may call. Thisis her house as she has been involved to nurture the house sincethe beginning. Any challenge is the challenge to her emotions,sense of worth, identity, fondness and finally her control forown security. Thus, she would never wish newcomer to havecontrol on what she amassed for long-long time. This is thepsychological behavior with every individual/ any life form. Whocreates own territory by involving sentimentally and markspsychologically or physically to declare. Depends how speciesbehave as human declare with flags and animals with othermethods. Declaring territory is the sense of security.Similarly, mother too has marked her territory and would resistto any challenge.
A son for the mother is the outgrowth of her efforts andemotional involvement. Mainly when she has one son, she expectsher son to become security for the family and the old age.Honestly, no aged man or woman would wish to go to old agehouses for rest of the life as long as the son is alive.Differences of new generations, old generations, andpsychological war between in-laws force to leave the house.
When she hands over her son to a new woman, she is cautious thather influence on the son is not disconnected. Her influence onhim is the sense of security as he obeys, cares, and respectsare his attachment. The new woman (WIFE) cannot tolerate becauseher sense of security expects 100% involvement from her husband.Wife needs him for her and children’s safety, security, comfortand sensual attachment. The diversion of her husband’s attentionwould minimize her expected desires. Therefore, she declares awar against her mother-in-law aggressively to thwart theweakening realm. However, the outcome depends on howpsychologically strong the son/ husband is. How much hisattraction or submission to the influence is? How strong thereligious influence is? How he handles the situation? Who of twowomen are more influential is?
99.99 % mothers win over daughter-in-laws in the countries wherereligious dominance rule. All religious scripts direct the sonto follow, respect, care and worship mothers. Therefore, agedare still safe and living with their children. However, in theurban and advanced countries it is the opposite. In such cases,the mothers are psychologically weaker and get defeated todaughter-in-laws.
In most cases, wife’s inclination is towards her own parentsabove the husband’s parents. She would prefer her mother-fatherto stay with her provided she wins her husband’s mind to agree.The reason of this is that she lived for long-long time, madeher involve and attached emotionally with the parents and mixedup intensely to understand the needs of parents and parentsunderstand her needs subsides only when she bears her ownchildren. One thing I would wish to stress that even wife lovesand has respect for the mother-in-law; only psychological issuesdisconnect them. It is not any personal conflict rather is thepersonality conflict. They involve in the conflict togain/retain the status and claim rights on the son/husband’sattention. So, can retain their say and pull major attention ofson/husband towards them. • Daughter-in-law should also realizethat she too would meet her daughter-in-law in her future whenshe becomes the mother-in-law. On the other hand, mother-in-lawshould realize the same way. • Wife need to understand thatmother-in-law is now aged. The behavior developed from the verybeginning, some times is not easy to change. Thus becomesresponsibility to understand the situation and act to dragmother-in-law towards her by affection. This technique is aninfluence to convince mother-in-law that “I care her more thaneven her son.” • Do not hurt any one’s sentiment. Sentiment isthe personal value and ego. If you hurt, you become enemy.Besides, putting your own values in front of her, listen to hertoo and tell to agree which ever is best. Forcing opinions andvalues is a root to clash. • It is a conflict between the newand old generation. Thinking and behavior differ generation togeneration. Present generation is more open, free, and demandingthan the old. Mother-in-law need to know it is not her era. •Opinion and ideological differences lead to misunderstanding. •Psychological feelings and horrifying stories aboutmother-in-law create misunderstanding. • Besides, understandingeach other’s stand and responsibilities should work to eliminatefeeling of insecurity. • Egoistic approach is the root causethat I am the one who is responsible for him. Now he is an adultman can take care himself and your both. • Exchange theaffection, views, chat, good moments of your life, gifts etc toget closer.
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